Billy's 3rd Division Blog
Billy's Blog Entry 1. What we can expect in SFL Division 3
Hi fellow Blue Noses, not sure how all of this happened but We Arra Peepul, so its not our fault. Apart from the EBTs, the tax evasion, the dodgy annual reports, the mortaging of the now defunct club's season ticket sales, the unusual payments to Graham Souness concidental with a suspicious transfer and the lack of payment to the guy from Govan who supplied The Rangers News, What have the deceased club noww known as Sevco done? Nothing that we should be punished for ! In fact we should be able to do what we like being Ra Peepul and all..That's what our founding fathers tod us..
Yet here we are. I've just been brought back from the afterlife as a spokesman for the purpoted progeny of Satan. Be aware he is somewhat pissed at the moment since The Archange Gabriel gave him 4-1 on to win the SPL this year. Stitched up again. I knew that shroud from Turin was bad news.
Anyway, I've been consigned to the dungeon of Scottish Football history. The name is Billy The Mole Cameron, and I am dispached from Hell to document some gutter dwelling club's adventure in the nether regions of The SFL for the next 4 years at least. I wish I'd kept my nose clean. Having consulted a band of demons wearing funny sashes and looking for a way to offload some blue shirts eblazened with 5 meaningless stars, its clear we need to start with the playing fields for season 2012/2013. This is not good reading, but if anyone has an issue I will just haunt FollowFollow.com. It has been haunted for the best par tof 10 years already, so no big deal. So here is a rundown of our potential destinations and exciting days out for the coming season!!!
SFL Division 3 is proudly sponsored by Ardressan Seafood Co, purveyors of fine Smokies
Honest, a Big Boy did it and ran away!
Galabank Stadium, capacity 2,000 and 4 sheep. Average attendance in season 2011/2012 475. Joined SFL in 2008 after Gretna ran out of 10p coins for the electricity meter. Came close to promotion in 2011 only to find out The SFL refused to pay the deposit fees on the 26 Irn Bru bottles sold that year. Record signing Baldy McGrew from Cumnock Crusader. Baldy claimed his haircut was a remnant from an alien abduction on Fenwick Moors in 2011. He has not been seen since last August when he celebrated a hat trick against Kirkintilloch Rob Roy Ladies 11. Dumfries and Galloway has been quiet ever since.
Bog Factor. Reminiscent of Fir Park in the 60s. Mass issue chemical and biological weapons suits from the Cuban Missile Crisis available on demand. Especially at the Pie Stalls startegically enhanced for the anticipated visit of one Ally McCoist. Verdict. A good day out for the Teddies.
Shielfield Park, capacity 4,100 and a black pudding stand. Average attendance in season 2011/2012 389 heavily bolstered by the Roman 5th Legion who eventually found their way back to Hadrian's wall after a millenium in the wilderness. Berwick's finest hour was in February 1967 when the beat the now decease entity by disguising Shiefield Park as Lodge 202 Wishaw and getting Alex Fergusen drunk. He has been reliving that ever since. Berwick is now known as Sevco's entry route into English football, who of course won the World Cup in 1966!
Bog Factor.Excellent use is made of the nearby Cumbernauld Turnip Field which often causes a queue invoving the 20 or so fans that had a half pint, a pie and a punnet of vineger peas in the Social Club prior to the match. Lavish use is made of Bovril at Broadwood which proves to be and excellent fertilizer especially when accompanied by a pie especially bussed in from nearby Chapmans butcher in Wishaw. Compliemntary stomach pumps are available on demand..
Broadwood Stadium, capacity 8,000, 2 kebab stands (Turkish) and a dog walk in honor of Shawfield dog track, Clyde's previous home. Average attendance in season 2011/2012 535. The Bully Wee are best known for their ability to combat adversity by poisoning visiting teams and fans with their finely aged pies and mould encrusted Bovril. Finest achievement was a 2-1 vistory over Shotts Bon Accord in the 1998 Lanarkshire Cup when the winning goal was scored by Sparky the Greyhound after he escaped from the dog track and chewed his way onto the field of play. Following the post match inquest Sparky was found guilty of Financial Doping and promtly had 10 Kennel Club points deducted and was put to sleep. Rumor has it Sparky haunts the home dressing room as evidenced by the ghostly howl (infrquent) that accompanies a Clyde Goal..
Bog Factor. Berwick Rangers have access to the most advanced ablutionary assets in the entire Scottish Football League. Unfortunatly these are sutuated some 56 miles away in a Home Depot in Newcastle making Shielfied Park smell like the Apollo 13 capsule after its accident involving the external cistern and an exploding toilet duck. The ex Gers should feel at home there..
Ochilview Park, capacity 3,750 not including the 4 rats that inhabit the main boardroom. The Jewel in the Division 3 Crown, Ochilview Park involves outdoor changing rooms designed to rapidly freeze the away team. Not that effective though, since the home team is usually subject to malnutrition based on a bread and water diet and medication retrieved from the dump outside Kirkintiloch General Hospital. East Stirling are experts in sports cost management. The Shire's proudest moment came during a Scottish Cup tie in 1967 against the Lisbon Lions where they beat the European Champions 8-0. Unfortunaly realization set in that they had acutally beaten a Subutteo team Jimmy Johnstone had accidently left in the car park. In he meantime Celtic went round to Jimmy's house for Irn Bru and a square sliced sausage on a roll. It was a great occasion for the Shire though
Bog Factor.Classified. The United Nations Bureau for Public Health has declared Ochilview a Grade 1 HazMat area and has refused to allow inspections. There are rumors that the Shire are secreting a Weapon of Mass destruction in the away dressing room. This is a substantiable rumor since it has been proven that on home match days when the average attendance of 531 is achieved at least 100 souls disappear. Maybe the Bermuday triangle passes through?
Borough Briggs, capacity 4,900 and 4 cases of kippers. Average attendance 2011/2012 a whopping 649. Elgin City's stadium is conveniently located on a sandbank in the North Sea. Borough Briggs has won many awards over the years for its fresh seafood conveniently trapped in a pond when the tide goes out. Elgin joined the SFL in the year 2,000 following a computer glich that put them in the Champions League Section of FIFA 2000. The SFL noted that unlike our very own Sevco, Elgin had 3 years worth of auditable accounts that showed an average bank balance of 68 pence (taking into acount direct amortization of the kipper treatment plant). A worthy participant in the SFL and a dangerous opponent for Sevco.
Bog Factor. Borough Briggs is the only senior ground in Scotland to offer natural sanitation based on the tide and natural springs emanating from 20,000 Leagues below The North Sea. Come to think of it, Sevco are now operating approximately 20,000 Leagues below the SPL. Uniquely, these facilities also serve as post match showers, especially useful in January when the water temerature peaks at -28 derees farenheit. At least Elgin City have paid their water bills!
Links Park, capacity 3,250 including the nearby aircraft beaconwhich is generally occupied by 8 fans and 4 seagulls during home fixtures . The Angus side boasts last season's Division 3 top scorer Martin Boyle, who netted 22 league goals including 3 hat tricks against an agressive defensive line up including 4 dustbins and a scare crow borrowed from Farmer Hamish's potato field. Montrose's finest achevement was an 1882 victory over Forth Wanderers after The Lanarkshie team got lost searching for fossils in a nearby bing. They still talk about that over smokies and half pints of shandy in the local hostelries.
Bog Factor.Links Park has the unique attribute of not having its toilet facilies cleaned since August 1902. This practice came about through a family of bats occupying the facilities and frighteng the locals into paying weekly tribute in thhe form of live Daddy Long leags larvae. Over the years the facilities at Links Park have deveolped into a major surce of Bat Guano wch accounts for 82% of local exports (monetary value around GBP 8.72). FIFA recognized this in 1968 by declaring the facilty unfit for human habitation but ok for a footie match. Montrose FC are proud of this!
Balmoor Stadium, capacity 4,oo0 not including the 10 resident sheep who serve as cheap labour in the grass cutting department. The Sevco Boily Boys will play their first match in Division 3 here pending their ability to prove they can pass a sheep dip test and can demonstrate that they have the requisite documentation to enter the township of Peterhead. The Blue Toon were promoted to Divisioon 2 in season 2010/2011. Unfortunately they were promptly relegated following a financial scandal involving their net assets of a used mackeral net and a GBP 20 Provident Line. Apparently the Provident Line was subsequently found to be forged and was sequstered after a prominent Board Member was caught buying a jar of sikvreskin pickles at Tesco's. Immediate relgation!
Bog Factor. The bathroom facilities at Balmoor Stadium are classed as listed buildings. Many fans assume that this is because the ladies toilet (as yet unused) lists to the right while the rancid men's facility lists to the socialistic left. In actual fact these bathroons were constructed from World War 2 Air Raid shelters. These excellent examples of war time British architecture survived the entire conflict unscathed due to the Luftwaffe not being able to find Peterhead on a map and there not being much worth bombing there in the first place.
Hampden Park, capacity 52,o25, average attendance in season 2011/2012, 520 brave souls. Queens Park's illustrious history as Scotland's eldest Club gives them bragging rights apart from the fact that their last honour to speak of was the Glasgow 3rd string Reserve Cup in 1921. The Spiders nick name is due to the fact that the Notional Stadium is infested by spiders, many of whom find their way into the Pies and Bovril during International fixtures to impress foreign guests with Scotland's exotic culinary delights. The French in particular are fond and frequent visitors as a consequence and frequently make up over half Queens Park's average 520 strong attendance. A permanent fixture in Division 3!
Bog Factor. Hampden Park is the only stadium in The United Kingdom to be awarded Le Gong Du Merde at the annual Pissoire Appreciation Society Congess in Paris. The Spiders would have won again this year were it not for a mad scientist who escaped from CERN and left a vial of Higgs Boson particles in the Paris Metro.This caused a black hole to emerge under the Champs Elysee. Paris is a lot nicer as a result!
ForthBank Stadium, capacity 3,800, which is close to the everage pie consumption at a Binos match of 4,285. Not bad considering average attendance is in the region of 520. Impressive. Itis said that the ghost of Robert The Bruce haunts ForthBank Stadium.Given Stirling's tally of relegation awards The Bruce seems to have lost his touch over the last 6 centuries! Not much additional to add on the football front!
Bog Factor.Loch Lomond is a 25 minute drive from ForthBank Stadium. Given the typical dross on display on the field, Stirling fans are delighted to make the 50 minute round trip to William Wallace's latrine. Its a nice drive and takes their mind off the Football!