Tommy's Cold War Diaries
Chubby Broccoli Productions Inc.
The declassified adventures of agent 007 and a half gills. A New York Tims Exclusive. We promise. Really we do. Cross our hearts and hpe to die (he has a license to kill after all).
October 14th, 1962. The world is on the brink. The Soviet Navy has been detected steaming towards Cuba laden with a cargo of nuclear tipped rockets. The USA is readying its deterrent in the form of Sarah Palin's baby pictures. These have been dispatched to The Bay of Pigs. A young George W. Bush has been called up and stationed on Guantanamera Bay with instructions not to play with sharp objects.
Panic is sweeping the world. In England, Winston Churchill escapes from his old folks home in Fulham and nips down to The Rose and Crown for 19 Gin and tonics, stopping at The Fullers Brewery for 4 gallons of finest bitter and a bag of porky scratchings. In China, an extraordinary session of Mao Tse Tung's Central Committee is pulled together for a game of mahjong and a grasshopper fry up. The French are wondering what all the fuss is about and are drinking red wine. The Australians couldn't give a wallaby's whatsit.
Back in The USA, Russian Salad dressing is banned from Diners across the nation. The market for TumTums and Andrews Liver Salts has tanked as a result.
Bunkers are being readied. Archie has been tossed out of his so The President can move in. Marilyn Monroe has recently passed on to the the great boudoir in the sky. To compensate, John F. Kennedy takes comfort in an old pair of Hugh Hefner's slippers and a stripper from The Bronx. Bobby Kennedy has organized his mid-life crisis response team and bought a red Porsche.
J. Edgar Hoover has sequestered the lingerie department at Macy's on 5th Avenue to establish a command post. In readiness, he dons a sunburst camisloe and tights combination that will nicely match a nuclear conflagration.
As a an attempte to hasten the downfall of capitalism, Fidel Castro hatches a plot to flood the market with radioactive cigars. Benson and Hedges claim they have the patent on this and threaten to sue. Tension mounts..
At 10:00 a.m. BST, The CIA and MI6 hold a summit meeting in the basement of a chip shop in The Gorbals to establish a plan to resolve the crisis. A conclusion is rapidly reached. The way forward is clear.
One man alone can save the world. War hero, now agent 007 and a half gills, Commander Sir Thomas Kelly Donnelly. Code name:
Bond, Bail Bond..
Welcome to The New York Tim's exclusive serialization of the events that defined a generation, made the world safe and eventually brought about the fall of the Soviet Empire. These momentous events paved the way for the advent of The Russian Mafia, the street vendors who sell plaster of paris chunks of The Berlin Wall and the Romanian tramp who plays the violin(or fiddle) outside the Cross Keys in Wishaw (Bucharest must be some place if the streets of Wishaw are paved with gold in comparison..Ed).
These diaries were discovered in a vault in The Parlour basement. This vault was sealed until June 2010 when The New York Celtic Supporters Club's resident Cryptkeeper, John Dillon, mistook it for a biscuit tin and opened it with a pair of Maraid's nail scissors and an acetylene torch. John suffered 3rd degree burns to the face in the process and has subsequently been voted sexiest man on the planet in an Esquire magazine poll. We will never hear the end of that.
This series is co-sponsored by The History Channel, Marvel Comics and Cosmopolitan magazine who are always interested in titillating its titillated audience with stories about how agent Bond, Bail Bond, Commander Sir Thomas Kelly Donnelly went about titillating his various acccomplices.
Enjoy ths series in the coming months. These diaries are presented verbatim in the words of the great man himself. The New York Tims accepts no responsibility for the accuracy or veracity of the contents other than to acknowledge that, historically, we did not get blown to kingdom come during the Cold War. This is the story of why, in the words of Bond, Bail Bond.
A New York Tims Historical Exclusive
and a half gills